There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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