he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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