walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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