I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
