I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
