I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
