Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Randomize
