420 ftw
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
