He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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