If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
