Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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