oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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