After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
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I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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