i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
