I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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