i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just gift wrapped bread.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
