im about as happy as oj after his trial
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
