this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
