my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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