It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
