so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
