I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
