forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
