dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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