ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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