haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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