I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
