I wish my penis had an off switch
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So vagazzling was a success
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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