I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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