I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
