I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
