Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
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I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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