Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
We are two peas in an std pod
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
