I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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