Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
