Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
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That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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