If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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