The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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