the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
