walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I understand Curling. That high.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
