Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
