I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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