my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
