so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
