i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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