i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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