i already hear my dad disowning me
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
