your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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