Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
