Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
