the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
