she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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