you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
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My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
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He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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