...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
