My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Hippo gnu deer
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
